12/17/11

I went on a date with Brad. Brad from okCupid. He has a cute face and is indecisive and spontaneous as I am. He’s pretty short and scrawny..
We met up at Rittenhouse Square and had a cigarette and talked for a little bit. When he first saw me, he told me I was beautiful in Chinese. Haha. Then we decided to go to Chinatown where he subtly showed off his Mandarin during our time there. We went to Reading Terminal and walked around and then went to Tea Leaf (tea shop). We went to some book stores in Chinatown and he was telling me about well-known Chinese novels he’s read. All in a very enthusiastic attitude. I like that, but how ashamed can you make me feel about being culturally ignorant of my own culture? Jeez, Brad.
We went to Tasty Place to eat. Now I’m totally regretting going there. It was dinky, boring, and cheap. Actually, cheap is a good thing. Cheap good eats. I ordered the chicken and eggplant in garlic sauce. He ordered a beef and vegetable rice platter and barely touched his rice. That would explain why he’s so thin. He eats very little. He paid for me and had a little convo with the waitress there. In Chinese. Me, sitting there awkwardly staring at them not knowing what to say. Ugh, whatever. We left and he walked me to the blue line station. We had one last cigarette and we hugged goodbye. He kissed my hair during the hug. I think he was definitely aiming for my cheek, but missed by a mile. Bye Brad. It was nice meeting you.

Geraldine picked me up later on that night and we went to a party. In the ghetto of North Philly and it was just filled with ghetto asians. Totally not my thing. I saw Darwin though. I don’t know why, but I automatically went up to him and gave him a tight and prolonged hug. I mean, I don’t have any feelings for him anymore. But it’s a possibility that something can come back. Nah, what am I saying? I’ve changed. He’s changed. We’re so different. If I had gotten drunk enough, I probably would have been trying to kiss him. I wonder if it would have felt the same as it did back in Sophomore year of high school. He was the best kisser out of all the guys I’ve kissed. And my first too.
Me and Geraldine found two Old English 40’s in the fridge and drank those. I got comfortably tipsy and at the last swig of beer, I couldn’t handle the amount of foam that had gathered up and also, the increasingly warm temperature of the beer and I resulted in puking it back up. Good thing I ran out the door and threw up outside.
Me, Geraldine, and Jeff stayed in a close circle, but at times I would wander off and talk to other people. Kyle was there. He didn’t recognize me initially. He had to ask Jeff in front of me while I was talking to his friend. I greeted Kyle, but we didn’t really get to talk. He sort of walked away from me. I talked to Daniel (Sam’s brother). He’s pretty cool. I saw him walk out the door while I was going in the house; he made awkward eye contact and so, I decided to say hi.
We left around 3 am. Geraldine drove me home and the whole time I was in the car, I was thinking about seeing Gang. When she dropped me off. I called him. I asked if I can stay over. It was a bad idea, but he said yes. 

He asked how I was. I told him I was doing okay, but that I’ve been sad. I told him how miserable I was for 2 days and all I did was stay home and watch movies. I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind, and I told him I felt like Joel. In a way, that I’ve been mourning like I’ve lost something dear to me. I suggested that he was Clementine because he left. He just left. He told me he wouldn’t, but he did. In his defense, he said that I said that I would change. And also that I would resemble Clementine more than he would and it’s true. I do. I told him how much I missed him and that I saw that picture of her and her band. He told me she has a new boyfriend now and that she barely acknowledged Gang.

I told him about my date with Brad. He didn’t want to hear it. He playfully threatened that if I mentioned his name again, he would kick me out of the house. I told him about my week and he told me his. He has an interview tomorrow. Hope he does well. His research paper got through. It was accepted. I’m proud of him. 

Actually you do deserve to know how I feel about this. Half of me feels free. The other half is upsetting and makes my chest feel empty. It’s an emptiness that overwhelms the part of me that feels free. My heart feels more heavy and, sometimes when I slow my breathing down, I can hear it pump. I feel so stressed out. I can’t remember the last time I was genuinely calm and relaxed. 

Before I met you, I promised myself I wouldn’t do the things that I would see other girls doing, like picking random fights for no good reason. Actually, complaining about insignificant little things that lead to stupid fights. I turned into that girl who’s just insecure, jealous, confused, and clingy. I don’t want to let you go. I don’t want you to see other people, but we’re not together anymore. I don’t have a say in that.. I don’t want to beg for you back, but I just can’t let you leave like this so abruptly. I still need you here for me. Even though you’re okay without me, I don’t think I can go on without you being there for me. 

I always thought I would be stronger but I was wrong. Me being defensive doesn’t mean that I’m being strong. I’m just being a bitch. 

If i were in your position and handling someone like me, I’d probably do the same thing and end it. I’m too difficult. I know. 

I slept over your house again, on a whim of you assuming that I was, since you asked for me to stay over a night sometime this week. You weren’t specific though, but I guess you had it all planned out that it was going to be last night because it worked out. It worked out that I had gotten a ride from my friends. Lucky you… that I always push back my integrity to say no to you if it means I’m lucky enough to be allowed to see you when you decide so. For every chance I get, I pounce and latch onto it. I guess I feel like I’m always making the time for you though it’s not always the best choice because I’m in jeopardy of bad consequences concerning other people. How naive of me. 

I think you test me. You test my want to be with you. We start off holding each other when we’re in bed. You kiss me sporadically in the blindness of the night. On my forehead, my right eye, the apples of my cheek, and corners of my mouth. Ethereal sometimes, they feel. Every time you do I feel as though you would continue to kiss me. That it would turn into a more passionate kiss. Maybe you were testing me with these kisses. Those sporadic kisses were hints of you wanting me to start the passion. You hinting to me that I should take initiative with that sort of romance. At first, I just kept on blabbering away with nonsensical topics, but then I kissed you with forced passion. I wanted to feel it truly, but it just wasn’t there. Not for long at least. Then we had sex. Then we fell asleep. I don’t know….I feel mechanically scheduled for sex whenever we’re together. Especially when I’m with you at night. You suggested for change in our schedules and that’s not getting through to me. Ugh, I want to change, but I can’t seem to get out of the cycle of our old ones. 

Sometimes I feel snubbed by you. Actually, a lot of the times I do. I still think you’re inconsiderate and not intentionally rude, but still rude. I realize that you’re busy, but you don’t call or text me. I don’t like calling you and then having you tell me that you’re busy with something else. ——————-

Where do I even begin? How should I piece together this mess in chronology from the beginning? Middle - Continuing middle?… finale? Nah, no ending. Not yet.

Let’s start with Thanksgiving. 11/24/11

We had a fight. He mumbled something about trust. If I can recall that faint blur of a moment, he said that he hopes that I can trust him or that he wishes I can. Impulsively, I bring up the lying about Anissa and Kyle. Mentioning those situations trying to look for the same inexcusable answers repeatedly and then, defensively using those as excuses to why I am unable to trust you. It went downward from there. We fought about Anissa. Again. You didn’t and will not fully understand how much it bothers me that you asked your ex-girlfriend to hang out and not informing me that you possibly would have if it had not been for her to reject you. I told you that I saw your messages with her. In the same vague look you have for virtually everything, you told me you don’t remember. I stubbornly persisted to say that I read your messages with her in a loud manner because that was proof. Because I couldn’t believe that you forgot and at the moment, I highly doubt that you actually did forget. I doubt you so much. You made an effort to remember though, you offered to look through your messages with her so that I can have the satisfaction to say that you were wrong. Thanks for that. I was extremely fired up on trying to prove you wrong and once I did, I felt vacant. 

Later, we went to your sister’s house for a hot pot instead of a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. We didn’t talk much. I think you did a lot of thinking. You always think a lot. While you secluded yourself to yourself, I occupied my time with your niece and nephew. I wish that you could be comfortable talking to me, but I make it so that it’s hard for you. For me as well. My temper is bad, I get it. I’m trying to change though. I really am. I don’t get horrendously jealous of other girls anymore…I don’t see the reason to get upset over little things anymore… Sorry for being so naive.

Nicole’s birthday is on Sunday and April decided to celebrate a little earlier. She bought a cheesecake and decorated it with her own cut-up fruits. Sliced bananas on the outer edges and balls of cantaloupe in the center. Nicole received the Disney’s princess figurine collection. It was surprising to see Rapunzel and Princess Tiana in the mix with the old princesses. Mulan’s and Pocahontas’ eyes were painted funny. Afterwards, we went back to your house and I kept on asking when you and your friends were going to meet up and what you guys were planning to do. You were being confusing and hesitant - not giving me clear answers and mostly ignoring my questions resulted in me getting a little annoyed. Sigh, you actually make it hard to communicate as well. It’s not just me. 

From my insecurities about you to you building up fear and insecurities about me is a coming disaster. I’m stupid for letting little annoyances affect me so much. I wish you didn’t have to feel afraid of me. Now everything will change because of me. I wish I didn’t do this you. All the shit I’ve given you….you barely deserve a huge amount of that. I’m going to say huge amount because you did deserve some of it - just not my super loud bitch attitude. That’s when you know I’ve gone too far and I’m just being stupid. Really stupid for being unreasonably more angry with you. Sometimes it wasn’t even you that I was annoyed at and I took it out on you. And you don’t deserve any of that at all. 

I really hate that you’re barely talking to me. I understand that it was my fault that this happened…so in turn, what you do is give me the silent treatment? If this silent treatment is about you wanting time away from me, that’s fine. I think it would be nice if you can inform me of that rather than ignore me. You leave me here wondering if that talk we had on Sunday really did any justice to the things that happened on Friday. Now as I’m typing, I’m questioning this, and in my head, two clear letters that spell out “No” pops up. No. There is still something there that’s bothering you about me. Even if we did talk about it on Sunday. I probably didn’t say the things or agree with you fully on what you thought would be closure to this problem. If I could, I would want to erase what I did that hurt you. You really can’t expect me to know what goes on your head, so please, tell me what you want me to do. 

Am I asking for too much when all I really want is for us to actually enjoy our time together?…. The useless 10 minute business-y sort of meet ups we have is not exactly favorable. They’re meaningless. 

How much more rude can you even get sometimes? 
I would like some explanations, you know.

So what do you do? I don’t know. Why are you asking me? I don’t know anything. I don’t understand your situation well enough to garnish my words to make you feel good about yourself. However, from what I do know, I will say this:

For once maybe, you don’t need to build this caricature of a wealthy happier man in the future thinking you’ll be happy. Overachieving and accomplishment can only get you so far in life materialistically. 
Right now you can’t even do what you need to get done. You say it stresses you out and that once you learn how to control that stress, it’ll be okay. Do you really think you can control something like that?